Dealing with the Recorded Voice!

It is said that if you want the right answers, you must ask the right questions. Clearly, the person who said this has never spoken to the recorded voice!

The art, nay, the science of dealing with the recorded voice is a deep and complex one. It has no specific thumb rules, laws, principles or theories. It has no boundaries or perimeters. It’s like you are on your own with a 50,000 tonne bomb coming at you with roughly 7 seconds to find a way to survive.

But what is the recorded voice and why are they out to destroy us? Let me explain. Long ago in a different world (some 15 years back) normal people answered the phone with a simple Hello. The ‘paan thela’ walas had undertaken the honorable job of giving lost travelers, directions. But,  after the machines defeated mankind in what can be said as the bloodiest war ever, the machines overtook the responsibility of answering phones and giving directions. Voices were recorded by robots and humans were forced to humiliate themselves by talking to tape recorders. Boys who dialed customer care just to hear girl voices, were left in despair. Men who couldn’t get rid of the mind numbing caller tunes on their phones, were forced to undergo further torture. Women, who couldn’t find their way, still can’t find their way. And in this way, the recorded voice on the other end of the line, slowly started sucking the life out of our very souls and binge drinking our blood.

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But, fear no more! Man has devised a way of dealing with the recorded voice. Mankind has recently made some major breakthroughs in finding out it’s origin and types. We have been able to trace roughly where all these are found and some beginner techniques of how to deal with them.

  1. Customer care services : Mobile networks, Flight booking, Online shopping etc
  2. Metro stations and trains
  3. G.P.S.
  4. S.I.R.I.

From these dangerous species, the most life threatening and ‘hair pulling syndrome activating breed is the Customer Care recorded voice. *shakingnervously* So, how to deal with the ‘You know who’? Here are some tips.

1: For a quick relief, you may try this. But, if you chose to fight with it, read on.

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*available at a store near you. Or, you could just print it.

2: Keep your entire focus and mind in the game. One blink here and that’s it. GAME OVER. Remember that, the aim of the game is to get through to a human. Follow each and every step which the dreaded voice tells you to do. If she commands Press 1, take the name of God and just press 1! And if by sheer fate, you happen to press anything other than what is being told you, you are on level 1, all over again.

3: Make quick decisions and in any case, Do not panic. There have been cases when men have dropped down in sheer frustration after being asked about 19 times “to continue in English, press 1, to continue in Hindi, press 2, for any other language, press 3”. Thus, if you are asked by it to chose something, think fast and execute.

4: The voice shall try to test your patience time and again by putting you on hold and making you hear random tunes, but thou shall not give up. When the voice tells you that your call is important to it and plays some trashy music, try counting numbers backwards to soothe yourself or do breathing exercises. Do not hang up in a fit of rage.

5: Keep all documents, papers, bills and information ready. When it asks you to punch a number, do not open your contact list then to look for it, you may piss it off.

6: Call on a full stomach. It might take ages and you will feel hungry. Also, try calling between hours when other people don’t so that you don’t have to battle too long.

If, and only if you follow all these pointers correctly, will you be transferred to a kind human. Do not take out your frustration on the poor guy/girl. It’s not their fault. All the best!

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